Lost and Found
by nattylovesjordy
Summary: Sarah reflects on her past relationship with Bryce and makes a decision that will hopefully change her life--a making for a hopeful future. Chara.
1. Sarah

**Characters/Ships:** Chuck Bartowski and Sarah Walker.  
**Time-line:** A random point in time after Chuck vs. the Marlin. But, really, it's irrelevant.  
**Author's note:** Thanks to BillAtWork for inspiring the last part. Honestly, these were two different pieces, but I mashed them together, so I hope they work! Oh! In addition to the combining, this is my very first fic in first person... So don't be too harsh! (or be harsh. whatever) Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoy and I also hope that you review... -hint, hint-  
**Disclaimer:** Guess what... I don't own anything other than a pair of Chuck Taylor Converse and 4 episodes of Chuck on my ipod... Other than that... I got nothin'! Read on, my friends, read on!

Lost and Found:  
Sarah

For the longest time, I've been lost. I've been wondering in this world not knowing where I am going to end up. I've been assigned temporary things, but it's not there than I'm lost. When it comes to my job, I know what I'm doing--It's when it comes to relationships that I'm lost.

I always thought that Bryce was my kind of guy. He's smart, cunning, good-looking, mysterious, and tough. Bryce was the perfect significant other for an agent like myself.

He was my partner, but even then, he was something more. The relationship that we had, at the time, seemed far from dysfunctional. It seemed as if we were doing everything right for our given situations. But now, looking back on my life with my past lover, it was dysfunctional. Never once did we actually discuss our feelings, if there were any there.

Me and Bryce were all sparks, no flames.

When I first met Chuck, I naturally assumed that he's a useless geek that had no life outside of his online call of duty connections and what not, but I was mistaken.

Chuck, nerdy for sure, is a man who is much more in tune with his feelings. He knows how he feels, and expresses it, even when unwanted. Chuck cares about what others have to say and would jump at the chance to discus ones feelings if given to him.

Bryce always pushed the opportunity away when I threw it at him.

Chuck's physical assets differ from Bryce's, but Chuck is seemingly perfect. He is tall, has hypnotizing eyes, a smile that I would kill for--and I seriously do mean that I'd kill-- as well as a sense of humor that can be subtle in all the right times and an overall loving personality.

But it's hard differentiating the two. Accounting what I "felt" for Bryce and what I feel for Chuck, I can't tell which one is real.

With Bryce, I thought loved him. I really, truly did believe that. But, I never allowed Bryce to distract me during a mission. With Chuck, I'm not sure if what I feel is love, because it's different from my feelings towards Bryce. But, Chuck distracts me and I 'let my lady feelings get in the way' as Casey always scolds.

My only proof for an answer is the way Bryce acted in comparison to how Chuck acts.

For us, in the world of an agent, we're trained to put ourselves before our partners of fellow agents, which is exactly how Bryce and I treated each other. You always have to make sure that you're secure before you check on your partner. With Chuck, disregarding my protecting situation, he puts me first. Sometimes, mainly when it's dangerous, it's not such a good thing, but at least he does it. And that's just one of the many things that I love about Chuck.

Bryce didn't care; Chuck does. Chuck would do anything; Bryce wouldn't.

Knowing that, I've found my way. No longer am I lost. Chuck Bartowski is my way. He's my key for happiness and, secretly, that's all I want.

I want that white dress, cake smashed into my face, a honeymoon. I want a house with the little pitter patters of small feet running around. I want that loving and caring husband that brings home flowers because he can.

I want that life with Chuck, the man that I love.

But when he brings up the unwelcome topic of our feelings, I can't bring myself to say all this. The denied discussion has a fairly regular appearance per week. It usually comes up after a mission where I have to seduce a man to get information out of him, which bugs Chuck.

I never fail to notice how his anger and frustration plays on his face as he attempts to inconspicuously watch me. I know he's getting used to it, though, because lately I've only been able to see his disapproval through his eyes.

The revelation of my feelings for Chuck had just recently happened when he decided to bring the subject up once again. My heart was dying to tell him everything, but my agent head wasn't going to let me.

"Please Sarah." He pled, his eyes slowly filling with tears. This conversation seemed to get harder and harder for him every time, which was weird, because I always figured that it'd get easier after a while from getting used to my rejection. "Give me one legitimate reason why we can't be and I'll leave it. We'll be nothing more than friends. I promise."

Gathering my previously voiced replies, I take a deep breath, praying that my head will come over my heart. "Chuck, we just can't."

Chuck stood from the bed and paces. "Reasons, Sarah. Just remind me of the reasons for the twentieth time so that I can shut them down and prove my point." he requested, slightly frustrated.

I sigh. He's not going to give up. "Okay, Chuck. First off, if Graham were to find out, I'd have my ass on a silver platter. I'd be reassigned and you'd stand more of a chance to go into an underground bunker where you won't get the daily pleasure of breathing in the fresh outdoor air."

I watch as Chuck dismisses my answer and walks into my kitchen to get a water bottle. I don't even remember why exactly he's over here, but somehow, we ended up at my apartment talking about this again.

"Nope. You see, Sarah, Graham doesn't have to find out, and they already believe that our cover is boyfriend-girlfriend. You wouldn't have to leave." He replies as he sits on the floor, leaning against the wall.

"Well, then I'd be compromised. Which would end up just the same. I'd be reassigned and you'd be left with Casey and the General who wants to have you terminated."

"If we keep it secret, why is being compromised a big deal?"

Out of slight frustration, I take a deep breath before answering. "It can get us killed. If I'm shown to be compromised, then it can get one of both of us killed on a mission by the distraction of my feelings."

Chuck stares at his water bottle. Clearly, this answer seems to have made a big point that seems to can't be beat, or so I think.

"Sarah?" he says, as he continues to play with his bottle.

"Yes, Chuck?"

"Aren't you already compromised? I mean, since we have to actually have this conversation, doesn't that mean that you're compromised?"

Damn, he actually has a point. I mean, sure, I know that I'm compromised, but I feel that if I keep pushing my feelings away, then I'd be fine. But he's absolutely right.

I think back to my new decision of what I want. How I want the nice house with the husband and kids. How I want it to be him. I start to doubt that this conversation is actually worth fighting anymore.

But then I think of how it was so much easier before. Not only with Bryce and how we didn't talk about our feelings, as much as it would hurt from time to time, and in the beginning with Chuck. It was so much easier to deny my feelings for Chuck in the beginning.

And then I realize that I'm being exactly like Bryce. Bryce always pushed this conversation away. Bryce always refused to talk about how we really felt. And I remember how much I hated that. Chuck must feel the same way.

I know I can't keep pushing him away like Bryce pushed me away, especially since I know that Chuck is the key to my future. But yet, I try once more to push him away. I guess old habits _do_ die hard.

"It'd be harder on the both of us when I have to leave."

He fires back with another question. "Don't you think it's already going to be hard now? Sarah, I'm in love with you, and have been for a while now. Whether you leave in two hours, in two months or in two years, it's going to hurt. All I'm asking for is your trust, Sarah. Your trust and your love."

I don't know what it was, but something he said made me break. Whether it was the sincerity in his words, or the love in them, it made me done fighting.

From my position on the bed, I bring my knees to my chest, trying to hide my damp face. "I'm scared." I whisper, unconsciously hoping he didn't hear.

"Sarah," Chuck rises from the wall and kneels on the floor below me. "Let me protect you. I won't hurt you, I promise."

I lean into him, allowing a small sob to escape from my lips. In response, he wraps his arms around me and rubs my back. "I-I... Don't... I'm no good at..." I stutter, unable to form a complete sentence.

"Please trust me Sarah. We'll go through everything together, I just need you to put your trust in me. I think I've earned that much, right?"

I nod in response.

"Good." He says as he continues to hold me.

Once I've calmed down and stopped crying, he pulls me up from his chest and gives me one of his kill-worthy smiles. "Well, it seems to me that you haven't given me a good enough answer, so I guess you'll just have to try this out with me, huh?"

"Okay. I guess." I laugh, making sure he knows that I was joking.

Bryce is a thing of the past. He was the catalyst for me finding Chuck and learning what not to do in a relationship. For that, I have him to thank.

But Chuck... Chuck is the man of my future. He saved me from the unhappiness that my future was bound to have in store.

I now know for sure that I want the cliché wedding with the homely house and sounds of little feet running around. But for now, we'll take one step at a time. Together.


	2. Chuck

**Author's Note:** Okay, so this was originally a one shot, but Sharpasamarble took the basic plot and the dialogue from it and put it in Chuck's perspective. If I may say so myself, it's utterly brilliant! So, just so I don't get in huge trouble, he wrote it, and gave me permission to post it. Thank you Sharp!  
**Extra note:** If you didn't notice, this one is Chuck talking instead of Sarah!

Lost and Found:  
Chuck

For the longest time, I've been lost. I've been wandering in this world not knowing where I am going to end up. Everything was temporary: I would put in my time at the Buy More, thinking that I would move on after work. After work, I would hang out with Morgan or play video games until late at night. My five-year plan sat unfinished on my hard drive. I just never really recovered.

I always thought that Bryce was my kind of friend. He's gregarious, outgoing, and confident, three things that weren't exactly my strong suit before I met him. To top it off, we shared all the same interests: Star Trek, video games, school and good-natured fun. Bryce was the perfect friend at the perfect time.

He wasn't just my friend: he was the best friend I ever had. I learned from his strength and became more confident in myself. But now, looking back on my life with my friend, it was dysfunctional. We clearly didn't connect as I thought we had.

Bryce showed me that when he got me kicked out of school for no good reason, crushing my spirit and destroying nearly everything I had come to believe about my world.

When I first met Sarah, I naturally assumed that she wouldn't have a use for a guy like me, but I was mistaken. She had a use for me; it just wasn't the type of use I was hoping for. She didn't end up at the Nerd Herd desk by accident.

Still, for a cold-blooded secret agent, she was surprisingly empathetic. Her repeated demands for my trust were soon justified by the way she learned what was important to me. She didn't just protect my actual life: she protected the things that made my life worth living.

Bryce, on the other hand, took away those types of things, assuming he knew what was best for me.

Over time, I learned that Sarah wasn't just a beautiful woman. I learned who she was: caring, passionate, strong, capable, and nerdish in her own way. Don't get me wrong: I could stare at her endlessly and never tire, and she could never be half the nerd that I am. However, I would not find her nearly so beautiful if I hadn't discovered who she was.

But sometimes I'm reminded that I only see part of Sarah. Like Bryce, so much of Sarah stays hidden. With Bryce, it was a function of the person he was, something I'd missed over our years of friendship. With Sarah, it is a function of survival, of suppressing who she is because of the job she must do.

At times, I can't tell who she really is. I'm not sure she can, either.

Despite that, my heart tells me that I care for Sarah. I cannot wait for the day that she decides to drop her guards and she lets me in to unconditionally share herself with me. That just won't happen while I'm part of her mission, her asset, her task. Until she sees me as more than an assignment, I'll never know the real Sarah. That hurts.

I know that Sarah lives in a world I cannot fully comprehend. Trust, the very core of my life, is a luxury agents cannot afford. A partner is a designation reserved for an assignment, where accomplishing the goal outweighs the survival of the team. As such, an agent must look after the mission first, their personal safety second, and their partner third. That's the blessing of being an asset rather than a partner: I am the focus of Sarah's attention, her highest priority, but as a partner I would be her lowest priority.

The down side is that it's difficult to see where dedication to the mission ends and her feelings for me begin.

All I know is that Sarah's arrival shook me from my depression, and, from the way she treated me, she reminded me that I deserve to be happy.

I want it all. I want the dream wedding with the bride decked out in white, the two of us surrounded by family and friends as we pledge our love to each other. I want a house in the suburbs where I can cut the grass and sit on the porch swing and play video games in the basement. I want children who run out the door and clutch my legs with all their might when I come home, and I want a wife that inspires me to find little ways to make her happy day after day after day.

I want that life with Sarah, the woman that I love.

But whenever I bring up our feelings, Sarah always runs and hides. I try to back away and respect how difficult it is for her, but when I watch Sarah so selflessly put herself in harm's way, I worry that there will never be a tomorrow to have the conversation.

I try to hide my frustration, but Sarah is too observant and I wear my heart on my sleeve too often. Despite myself, I'm losing my determination to pursue the topic, knowing how much it hurts her every time I bring up the subject. Instead, I try to internalize the hurt to protect her from it, but I know I'm beginning to lose hope.

The revelation of her feelings for me had just recently happened, so I decided to bring up the subject once more. I was determined to push this conversation to the limit; I didn't know if I had the strength to bring it up again.

"Please Sarah." I beg, my eyes slowly filling with tears. The conversation seemed to get harder and harder for me every time, despite the series of rejections. "Give me one legitimate reason why we can't be and I'll leave it. We'll be nothing more than friends. I promise."

Again, the agent wins out over the woman. With a deep breath, she says, "Chuck, we just can't."

I stood up and paced, trying to keep my emotions in check. If she is going to be rational, so can I. "Reasons, Sarah. Just remind me of the reasons for the twentieth time so that I can shut them down and prove my point." I request, managing to conceal all but a bit of frustration.

She sighs, realizing I am not going to be so easily dissuaded. "Okay, Chuck. First off, if Graham were to find out, I'd have my ass on a silver platter. I'd be reassigned and you'd stand more of a chance to go into an underground bunker where you won't get the daily pleasure of breathing in the fresh outdoor air."

I dismiss her answer, a canned response she has given so many times before, and walk into my kitchen to get a bottle of water. I carefully put together a neutral response to her objection.

"Nope. You see, Sarah, Graham doesn't have to find out, and they already believe that our cover is boyfriend-girlfriend. You wouldn't have to leave." Having defeated that point, I sat on the floor, leaning against the wall, to prevent myself from any more nervous pacing.

"Well, then I'd be compromised. Which would end up just the same. I'd be reassigned and you'd be left with Casey and the General who wants to have you terminated."

"If we keep it secret, why is being compromised a big deal?"

I can see I'm pushing her slightly, which is necessary. Sarah is not one to give up a fight easily, something I cherish even when her strength is aligned against me. "It can get us killed. If I'm shown to be compromised, then it can get one of both of us killed on a mission by the distraction of my feelings."

I stare at my water bottle; I have a perfect answer. I just need to be gentle with my response; when pushed too hard about her feelings, Sarah retreats into her shell.

"Sarah?" I say, as I continue to play with my bottle.

"Yes, Chuck?"

"Aren't you already compromised? I mean, since we have to actually have this conversation, doesn't that mean that you're compromised?"

Her face concedes the point, but sure enough, the emotions start to rise. Don't run, Sarah. Please don't hide.

She remains quiet for a long moment, the subtlest of emotions flickering in her bright blue eyes. Fear gives way to hope gives way to anguish gives way to longing. The emotions shift so quickly, I can barely follow, but I have hope that the woman is standing toe-to-toe with the agent.

If she is fighting, there is a chance I can win.

Ultimately, I can take it if she decides her duty needs to win. At least, I think it can. I just want to know that she's giving it serious consideration rather than rejecting it out-of-hand, because that's just what agents do. The only thing that would hurt more than losing Sarah is losing her without her ever really thinking it through.

She finally speaks again. "It'd be harder on the both of us when I have to leave."

Her answer irritates me. "Don't you think it's already going to be hard now? Sarah, I'm in love with you, and have been for a while now. Whether you leave in two hours, in two months or in two years, it's going to hurt. All I'm asking for is your trust, Sarah. Your trust and your love."

I had been rougher with her than I ever wanted to be. I never wanted to demand anything from Sarah, but I felt I had no choice.

I couldn't believe I had confessed my love, but if there were a time, this was it. I held my breath.

She curled into a ball on the bed, trying to hide her suddenly damp cheeks from me. My heart catches as she starts to speak. "I'm scared." she whispers, so quietly I could barely hear her.

Hope swells in my chest. "Sarah," I say as gently as I can as I cross the room, kneeling before her. "Let me protect you. I won't hurt you, I promise."

She leans into me, so I both feel and hear the small sob escaping her lips. I wrap my arms around her and rub her back, trying to convey all my love for her with every touch.

"I-I... Don't... I'm no good at..." she stutters, unable to form a complete sentence.

As sweetly as I can, I plead, "Please trust me Sarah. We'll go through everything together, I just need you to put your trust in me. I think I've earned that much, right?"

She gives a small nod in response, her cheek and hair rubbing against my shirt.

"Good." I continue to hold her close, fiercely and gently all at the same time.

Gradually, she calms down and the tears stop. Needing to look into her eyes, I guide her up from my chest and let every last emotion shine in my smile. "Well, it seems to me that you haven't given me a good enough answer, so I guess you'll just have to try this out with me, huh?"

"Okay. I guess." she laughs.

I never dreamed that those three words would be the ones that would touch my heart so deeply. While the words sounded tentative, there was undeniable power and strength as she gazed into my eyes.

Sarah saved me from the unhappiness of my past. She protects me from the danger of my present. She is now my future as well.

I now know for sure that Sarah will be the one sitting next to me on the porch swing of our suburban house as we listen to the cries of happy children playing in the yard. But for now, we'll take one step at a time. Together.


End file.
